We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.