What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
BRAKING NEWS!!
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you