I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.