I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention