My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.