I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
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3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
☺️
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots