Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Customer is always right
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.