I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA