A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.