[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners