Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
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What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”