If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task