[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.