Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Pizza is an emotion right?