If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert