My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.