The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
this isn’t threatening at all
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Does this dress make me look cat?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body