When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You Might Also Like
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.