You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The best shot in the history of golf
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.