me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
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Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore