Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him