My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.