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We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.