I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
wtf is an acronym
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I am, perchance
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.