I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?