Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
#parenting
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.