[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
my astrological sign is a french fry
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.