These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.