They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
You Might Also Like
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.