Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
You Might Also Like
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?