[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
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Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.