Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏