“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”