Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death