I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
dutch is not a serious language
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
just witnessed a drug deal
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.