“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman