[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”