me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
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Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Oh boy, $150,000!
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I have questions??
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money