I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.