Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.