Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.