me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
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I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.