Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom