Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Me checking my bank balance online.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
They did not miss in the small print
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.