“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
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If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Those are good neighbors.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter