Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Netflix and awkward silence?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”