“Great, now I have to pee.”
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I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
A fake ID that makes you younger
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL