*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
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when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy