I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
How your email finds me
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?