Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
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Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
584.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?